Are You a Virgin?

By Jack Dube|
Grace Mugabe is well known for her indiscretion but this time she has outdone even herself with curious revelations that her controversial daughter Bona was still a virgin, just like Mary before the archangel Gabriel allegedly visited her. Always blaming the media for the sex scandals that have rocked her family, Grace found it easy at the weekend to take cheap shots at the press. But does anyone believe her, in particular her daughter Bona’s in-laws, whom she seemed so anxious to please with the news that no-one, including reported former lover Sam Mtukudzi, had ever touched even her breast.
In my liberal view, this whole debate should have taken place around a dummy, not a recently-married young woman trying to fit in with the ever-difficult mother-in-law. But of course you can trust the First Lady to start an argument with someone every time she goes to the village well.
Few people noticed it, but Friday was the day of the girl child, an event promoted vigorously around the world by Unicef. Among Unicef’s long-term agenda items is discouraging virginity testing, an archaic, discredited and dangerous practice. We hope that by mentioning the “traditional way”, Grace is not trying to take us back to the days where brides were not only subjected to tests of their anatomy, but witchcraft tests as well.
As I said, I am a liberal. I believe that what happens under a woman’s garments is her own problem. But now that Grace has started it, she may discover that rigging an election is a lot easier than rigging a virginity test. And now, every mother will be asking their daughter: “Are you a virgin?”
But I cant wait for B’s wedding. I plan to donate a car, with the customized plate: “Virgin1”.

Amen, Comrade Prophet Madzibaba Psycho, Amen!

I always thought Psychology Maziwisa, the Zanu PF deputy information director was a bit neurotic. I notice that since Mugabe passed him up on ministerial appointments, giving the top information jobs to Jono, Supa and Shamu, Psycho seems to have found God, just like Tsvangirai after Eriza bolted. I am told Psycho has been going to the mountains of Manicaland and getting spiritual advice, apart from waking up early to pray, in case something happens to Happison Muchechetere up at Pockets Hill, the ZBC headquarters. As everyone should know, Jono and Happison dont quite see eye to eye. Now, a word of advice to Madzibaba Psycho. He should stop denying Baba Jukwa’s claims that he is gay. It helped Alum Mpofu get the job and as everyone knows, Jonathan was fully behind him, excuse the pun!

Sex sells newspapers, but not like this.

Sex sells newspapers. With “prophet” Makandiwa’s promises of free gold and diamonds having failed to materialize and Tsvangirai having lost the election, it seems the Sunday Mail is desperate to find ways of moving those mountains of newsprint off the streets. It was actually the Mail which gave us the Virgin Bona story, which was carried around the world. What many did not notice was another sex story in the same paper making some wild claims and giving gory details of the female anatomy. We thought when they said this is a family newspaper they would publish stories you can use to divert attention when the in-laws come to demand the balance of the bride price.
Now we had one Dr Caroline Maposhere making odd revelations about women.
“Most women have a habit of creating dryness in the environment of their reproductive organs by using traditional herbs, inserting cloths saturated with lemon juice, cotton, newspapers and other materials to suck out all the dampness inside the reproductive organ. Such behaviours are usually associated with traditional beliefs and myths of enhancing intimacy. However, women should desist from that because they may end up failing to lubricate before sexual intercourse. Dry sex increases chances of HIV transmission if the partner is infected because the process involves a lot of friction.”
Then we had NAC’s Amon Mpofu weighing in with this useful information: “Dryness of the female reproductive tract wears away the epithelial tissues or the lining of the vagina walls, leading to cracks during intercourse.”
Quite a mouthful!


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